When I set out to write my memoir, The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, it was my purpose to tell the story of a breakthrough I’d had about who I was and who I had become; the breakthrough freed me to become who I wanted to be.
For me to have that breakthrough, it meant I had to understand my own dysfunctional behaviors and what had formed them. Whether you come from an extremely dysfunctional family or a relatively happy (mildly dysfunctional) one, your family situation taught you specific behaviors as well as coping mechanisms to deal with your family members’ behaviors, actions or attitudes. No family is perfect, and every individual must learn to adjust to living with his or her family members even in the best of families. Sometimes this means repressing memories of what happened; sometimes this means being a child who accepts physical or verbal abuse from an adult from fear of worse if you don’t submit. Sometimes, it’s simply going along with your mother’s belief system to avoid an argument.
We learn behaviors that allow us to function within the family unit with as little disagreement among family members as possible—sometimes it may seem all the family has to offer is disagreement—but we learn to function and cope within that framework.
We have learned to protect ourselves. But when we reach adulthood, we may find that what had protected us from negative situations now inhibits us from enjoying life.
In The Sitting Swing, I recall my visit to the Avalon Recovery Center. I went there as a practicing therapist wanting to learn how better to help my clients. I had no idea I would learn how to help myself. It wasn’t until I visited Avalon that I learned how I had repressed my ability to love. Prior to that visit, I had largely been in denial of my feelings and afraid to love from fear I would be hurt. When my marriage was not as happy as I hoped it could be, I blamed my husband for not loving me the way he should.
I was frustrated that my husband did not support me in my personal and career goals the way I thought he should. He always had an excuse, such as bills to pay, for why I couldn’t have what I wanted. I thought if anything, he needed to see a therapist to figure out what went wrong in his past that made him so controlling.
While the problems with my marriage had long nagged at me, it wasn’t until my visit to Avalon that I was ready to analyze them. At first, I tried to analyze what was wrong with my husband, but the counselors told me to look deeper. I tried then to analyze why I let him have control rather than fulfilling my purpose in life. Eventually, I realized I was interpreting everything my husband said or did from my belief he was controlling me, rather than actually listening to him or trying to understand his viewpoint.
That was when I had my breakthrough. I realized my husband was not trying to control me. He was just looking at things from a practical, often financial standpoint. I had not taken the time to try to see things his way because I was too demanding to have my own way. It was about communication and understanding—that’s what had been missing in our marriage, in my understanding of our marriage.
I learned that day that I had to be an individual, depending on myself rather than letting my husband control me. Perhaps more importantly, I learned that a marriage is about teamwork and we had to look at things from each other’s viewpoint and to support each other’s goals. I also was filled with renewed love for my husband, realizing he had made his own sacrifices to be with me. Since that day, new understanding sprang up between us.
That moment of breakthrough—of realizing I was keeping myself from happiness by practicing the protective measures I had learned in childhood, and by selfishly looking to my husband to fulfill the wants left from my childhood—that moment freed me.
That’s only part of the story I tell in The Sitting Swing. I hope, by telling my personal story, I help other people have their own breakthroughs. I hope I give them courage to explore what holds them back, and the courage to change.
Check back tomorrow for my review of THE SITTING SWING.
